survival mode [perspective]

[perspective: the view from our porch as a thunderstorm rolls in ]

because it seemed that the days had been coming in frantic rushes.  there were details to remember, a farewell party to coordinate, daniel's show going late, late, late cutting into precious sleep, arranging babysitters, a saturday board meeting to chair.  round & round she goes.

& i sat in the tuk tuk & exhaled deeply. mind racing, i thought:

"we've been living in survival mode ever since cedar was born.  when will it end?"

& then i remembered.

i remembered the woman with the recycling cart & her newborn slung in a scarf between the bars that she pushed, walking the streets asking for others' trash., unable to rest - where was her maternity leave?

i remembered the boys huddled at the bus stop sniffing the glue bottle.  so young & beautiful & already longing to be numb.

i remembered our own ming kohm & how she had to leave her tiny daughters to go work in the rice fields.  how she heard their cries when a neighbor lied & told them that she was never returning.  how she showed me how she would bind her breasts so she could go the whole day without feeding her baby.

i looked down & remembered that the coffee i was drinking as i whizzed through the city costs the daily wage of the construction workers i watch from my kitchen window.

 oh, right. 

i have never, not ever, known what it is like to live in survival mode.

sometimes perspective is like a swift slap to the face. 

 [but the good kind, like the kind that snaps you out of navel gazing & jolts you into gratitude]

dedicated

[phnom penh home church: december 2012]

We were filled with joy to dedicate our Ezra Sparrow with our home church community here in Phnom Penh.  Just like with our Cedar, we felt that it was important to say out loud, in the presence of our community of believers, that are we are grateful for the gift that Ezra is to our family, and that on our own, we are completely insufficient for the task of raising her.  We are now, and will continue to be, dependent on the grace & wisdom of God and the love & support of the church (in whatever form that takes for Ezra in the years ahead), in our endeavor to raise her well.  We are so thankful that she was born into this beautiful community & pray that she will find shelter & encouragement in the body of Christ her whole life long.

[dedicating our sparrow, as captured by julia's iPhone: may 2013]

A Reading of Dedication

Ezra Sparrow Talstra

Leader: Daniel and Amanda, God has given you the beautiful gift of a child.

Amanda and Daniel: We joyfully accept His gift.

Group: We join you in thanksgiving

Leader: This gift is also a great responsibility.

Amanda and Daniel: With God's grace, we accept this responsibility. We will depend on God to love Ezra unconditionally, to have patience with ourselves and with her, to care for her well, and to accept the help of our community.

Group: As your church community in Cambodia, we will help. We will happily hold Ezra, change diapers, read stories, and most of all have grace with you as you learn about caring for your children.

Leader: Jesus said: let the little children come to me. [Luke 18:16]

Amanda and Daniel: We commit to teaching Ezra about Jesus, and living in a way that demonstrate to her God's peace, compassion, generosity and service.

Group: On behalf of your future church and communities as Ezra grows, we will also provide Christ-like examples to Ezra.

Group: Daniel and Amanda, Don't you see that children are God's best gift; the fruit of the womb, His generous legacy? O, how blessed are you, parents! [Psalm 127:3-4]

Amanda and Daniel: We prayed for this child. And now we give you, Ezra, to the Lord.

Everyone: Amen!

fruit & the journey [4 years in cambodia]

(In the fall of last year, we crossed the 4 year marker & are now well into our 5th year in Cambodia.  I really wanted to share some reflections on crossing the 4-year mark & all the lessons we've learned, but somehow (or more likely, someone.... eh hem, ezra sparrow!) its taken awhile to collect my thoughts & now here we are, nearly 6 months later.  But I think the reflections are still relevant, so here are some thoughts on spending four years here.)

[4 years: 4 talstras: picture by savady photography]

We aren't changing the world & that just might be ok.  Maybe, very few people are called to change the whole wide world after all.

We're trying to make small changes in the lives of Cambodian returnees & Cambodian women.  & that work is not glamorous   For us, to use our talents here, means we can most often be found working behind the scenes at a desk, or in a meeting room somewhere working on strategic planning, in board meetings, dreaming up new ways to work & to connect with supporters.  it means we spend a lot of time writing to ask for funding (because Cambodians have the skills & the passion to change their communities, just not always the means), monitoring that funding, then reporting on that funding .  

Rinse.  Wash.  Repeat.

But even that small contribution is not a good measure.  Funders can be fickle   Projects can fail.  Staff you trust can betray.  

So maybe, in the end, success is measured in the process.  In the means, if not always in the ends.

Did I speak to that person with love?  Did we go about our daily tasks with joy?  Did we contribute to peace in our conduct?    Were we patient with that colleague?  Was our kindness evident to all?  Did we focus on the goodness of those around us?  Did our lives & how we worked testify to the faithfulness of God?  Did we remain gentle in the face of violence & injustice?  Self-controlled in all the moral brokenness around us?

[painting by christina of alepka arts]

Isaiah 58: 10-11 says that if we spend ourselves on behalf of the oppressed that we will be like well-watered springs.  We're still grappling (& often failing) with what it means to spend ourselves for others, especially now with 2 sweet little ones in tow. 

But somehow in His mercy, God has already given us the well-watered garden.  

Against even our own expectations, our little family has thrived here.  & so when I look back on 4 years in the Kingdom of Wonder, my overwhelming reflection is deep gratitude.  To the Lord, who has so faithfully guided us, protected us, & given us the garden.  & to you, our community, spread wide, who have watered us by supporting, encouraging, & even visiting us.

4 years in & many hard lessons later - we.are.so.blessed.

& as we look forward to 2 more years, please pray that we would live here with our eyes wide open & that we would see.  It is all too easy to walk/ride through this city, thinking of "to do" lists, whats for dinner, weekend plans, & in doing so, to miss the seeing.

Seeing the children digging through garbage, the recycling ladies carrying naked babies in their carts, the beggars, the real poverty, cruelty & squalor.  But also the LIFE, the smiles, the commitment for justice, the solidarity, & the kindness.

Please pray that our eyes would be wide, our hearts brave, & that despite the distractions, for us to

 Be.Here.Now.

gratitude x 1,000 [mary & jim in cambodia]

we were incredibly fortunate that my parents made the long journey to be here with us when ezra was born.  they helped us welcome ezra in bangkok, took care of cedar while we were in the hospital & did all the laundry & dishes in those bleary early newborn weeks.  then after 3 weeks in bangkok, they hopped on a plane with us & helped us settle back into our life in phnom penh.

[tie dyed shirts straight from the brockport, ny arts festival]

in the airport as they prepared to leave after 6-weeks in asia (we had time to chat- we had to arrive at the airport 5 hours early & their flight was delayed another 4 hours, due to the death of king sihanouk & the arrival of his body from china, but that's a whole other story!) we made of list of our trip highlights.  

so here it is.... the Top Five "Jim & Mary Asian Tour 2012" memories.

1) that first glimpse of daniel holding a pink blanket in the nursery (welcoming baby ezra)
2) lots of cedar time in bangkok
3) long weekend in kep
4) being "out & about" & meeting our community in phnom penh
5) a trip to prey veng province

gratitude [dapper polka-dots]

[thanks auntie katie for the polka-dot bowtie.  quite a dapper addition to my collection!]

gratitude [o canada]

[thanks auntie jamie sue for the reminder of canadian pride, even if i've haven't been there just yet!]

gratitude [turtles & plaid]

while are we were home for christmas, my mom taught cedar his latest trick....

"how big is baby cedar?..."

"soooooooo big"

[thanks auntie christina for the cool turtle shirt & auntie daphne for my newest orange plaid party pants]

gratitude [pencils]

thanks christo & erica for my sophisticated & bright pencil shirt.  i feel smarter & a bit classier just wearing it.

gratitude [go blues!]

[thanks aunt hannah for my first hockey jersey.  

i always thought i'd be a sabers fan, but it turns out that i cheer for the blues - shhh don't tell my uncles.]

gratitude [ben & lindsay]

[thanks uncle ben & auntie lindsay for the sweetest & cuddliest veggies!]

gratitude [elle's parcel of sweetness & light]

ever since this parcel arrived,  it seems like the phrase "thanks, my friend michelle sent it to me" has been a constant refrain around here.

thanks, elle, for the parcel filled to the brim with sweetness & love & for keeping our whole family attired with style & charm!

gratitude [cris]

thanks auntie cris for the beautiful nikki mcclure book.
 (i think its fair to say i'm a lifelong fan!)
 i'm learning all about what farmer's markets are like in north america.  so far my favorite page is the one with all the red apples. 

gratitude [tiger toes]

[thanks courtney & joe for the loveliest of baby blankets
& aunt tracy for the sweetest tiger toed pajamas]

gratitude [mike & marty]

thanks aunt marty & uncle mike for the cutest homemade booties!

gratitude [owl + onesie]

[thanks suj'n for the coolest onesie & the gieses for the cute owl toy]

graduated [visit home part 3]

one of the most memorable parts of my [amanda's] trip home in may was the chance to attend my graduate school graduation in pennslyvania.

 for the past two years i have been studying international development through a residency-based program out of eastern university.  the program is geared towards people already working in humanitarian/development in the field, so my classmates were spread all around the globe (ghana, jordan, south africa, swaziland, guatemala, mozambique & the usa).  thankfully we got to spend nearly a month together in stellenbosch, south africa in 2009 & another almost month together in kampala, uganda in 2010.

i learned a lot from my classes about the technical & theoretical side of humanitarian work, but i consider myself really blessed to have learned from the personal stories and experiences of my professors and my dear, dear classmates. they are people who realize that they cannot look at a world full of poverty, suffering & hopelessness & do nothing. the way their faith has infused their lives & their work & the beauty, passion & sacrifice they've all displayed while working with people who are poor and marginalized taught me a whole lot more than my textbooks (sorry, todaro & your gini coefficients!)  somehow our intense times together in residencies, our online interactions & the grace of God turned us into a community & for that, i am so grateful.

 & yes, it does feel good to have a master's degree too!

it worked out really well that eastern university is very close to philly, where my brother benjamin & his girlfriend lindsay live, so we got to have a really lovely (& too short!) visit with them & cedar got to meet his fun aunt & uncle.

this picture is really special to me because i know that i owe a whole lot of this accomplishment to the faithful support of my parents.  i also really wish that daniel could have been in this picture.  (perhaps i should have photoshopped him in!) because the degree i'm (or actually my dad!) is holding has definitely been a team effort.  it represents some academic work on my part, but it also represents so many dinners cooked for me, weekends & evenings without a computer or a wife to hang out with, lots of life details handled &also lots of encouragement on daniel's part. 

& so, while i enjoyed the process, closing this chapter of my life has also come with a big sigh of relief.  school work has been such a big part of my life here in cambodia & so i am excited to move forward to make the most of our time here - to pursue relationships, life & our work here more deeply & hopefully, also to take a  lot more naps!

[bonus picture of cedar's first meeting with uncle ben & aunt lindsay]

akuun preh-a ung [visit home]

last month the combination of my graduate school graduation, an ailing grandpa, a delta voucher & a good priced ticket meant that baby cedar & i made a last minute trip home. last minute as in i bought the ticket on monday & then flew halfway around the world on thursday! clicking "purchase" was exhilarating & then terrifying & i spent one nearly sleepless night fretting about making such a long-haul by myself with a three month old. what was i thinking?

but the next day, when i told ming kohm, our wonderful house helper & nanny, that i had bought the ticket, the first thing she said was akuun preh-a ung, which translates as "thank you, Lord".

[ming kohm]

not "thats crazy!" or "how will you travel alone with a baby?" or even "thats so much money!" (even though the ticket was more money than most cambodians make in five months). just a simple akuun preh-a ung.

& i took those words to heart.

i decided to recognize the whole trip for what it was - a precious gift - a cause for gratitude, not guilt or fear. akuun preh-a ung became my motto for this last minute trip & it turned out to be such a blessing in every way.

baby cedar was a totally amazing traveler, so smiley & hardly even crying throughout our 36 hour journey home & back (seriously, the seems like a minor miracle!). we got to have a number of lovely visits with dear friends & family, (on such short notice!), most especially with my grandpa. i got to celebrate my graduation with my family & classmates who traveled from so far. & we got to enjoy resting in being home in the comfort & the cold for a few joy-filled weeks.

akuun preh-a ung, indeed.

the trip was so wonderful that i think each segment deserves its own post. i'll begin with the fun of introducing cedar to my hometown in new york & to his friends & family there.

[reunited with grandma & grandpa & introduced to cool spring weather]

[mother's day lunch at java junction]

[meeting uncle seth!] . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .[getting cozy with great aunt tracy]

[cedar's first WoW - wine on wednesdays]

[watching my brother seth's final tennis match of his college career]

[a tropical fish out of water]

[baby cedar enjoying his first taste of pajamas with feet, sweaters & fun american baby toys]

gratitude [aunt karen]

[no way! you heart bear hugs too?]

gratitude [grandma]

thanks grandma for the charming handmade clothes!

...even if the duck shirt did make me look a bit like cedar-ette.

(but a cute cedar-ette, at that)

gratitude [bibs!]

[thanks to christina & jess for the hippest bibs on the block!]