survival mode [perspective]

[perspective: the view from our porch as a thunderstorm rolls in ]

because it seemed that the days had been coming in frantic rushes.  there were details to remember, a farewell party to coordinate, daniel's show going late, late, late cutting into precious sleep, arranging babysitters, a saturday board meeting to chair.  round & round she goes.

& i sat in the tuk tuk & exhaled deeply. mind racing, i thought:

"we've been living in survival mode ever since cedar was born.  when will it end?"

& then i remembered.

i remembered the woman with the recycling cart & her newborn slung in a scarf between the bars that she pushed, walking the streets asking for others' trash., unable to rest - where was her maternity leave?

i remembered the boys huddled at the bus stop sniffing the glue bottle.  so young & beautiful & already longing to be numb.

i remembered our own ming kohm & how she had to leave her tiny daughters to go work in the rice fields.  how she heard their cries when a neighbor lied & told them that she was never returning.  how she showed me how she would bind her breasts so she could go the whole day without feeding her baby.

i looked down & remembered that the coffee i was drinking as i whizzed through the city costs the daily wage of the construction workers i watch from my kitchen window.

 oh, right. 

i have never, not ever, known what it is like to live in survival mode.

sometimes perspective is like a swift slap to the face. 

 [but the good kind, like the kind that snaps you out of navel gazing & jolts you into gratitude]

snapshots [october 2013]

a trip to the beach [otres for pchum benh]

seasons [ezra & amanda]

birthday party [ezra sparrow]

snapshots [september 2013]

one year [spirited sparrow]

it turns out our sweet sparrow tricked us with her laid back infant demeanor!  we called her sleepy sparrow for the first 4 months of her life, because she always seemed to be sleeping.  & then we called her smiley sparrow for the next 8 months because she always seemed to be smiling wide.  & now we've taken to calling her our spirited sparrow because she is a determined & defiant little lady.  

some memories of our sparrow at the one year mark.

• gets around by bum-scooting, never crawling
• first word "jhat" from "chin-jhat" [khmer for "gecko"]
• most happy when being held by mama or yay-yay [ming kohm]
• sleeping through the night [...finally!]
• loves bananas, oatmeal & noodles
• makes the owl "whoo" face a lot
• only one tooth
• loves to grab mama's glasses whenever she has the chance
• we often wake up to find her standing up quietly looking out the window by our bed & she loves to look over our balcony onto the street below to watch cambodian life go by
• still known for her big, wide open smiles